December 10, 2013

Today is a good day :)
Spend the day doing things outside, out of my room and I admitted to my doctor that i need help.
Had the time to relax and time to be busy and get things done. And of course went out driving.
There is nothing better than getting into your car and going anywhere your mind lets you.
If there is a road there you can drive to it.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

December 02, 2013

It's been couple weeks of misery, depression, self hatred, anxiety, constant panic attacks and self doubt.
It's been a big roller-coaster but I finally see some progress.
My days start good now. Wake up good, something happens that puts me down, I get sad/cry and then try to make myself better. And finally at the end of my day I'm fine again. Instead of walking up miserable not moving not doing anything and then going to sleep.

November 16, 2013

I'm way to young and full of life to be this sad.
I've been happy once and I can do it again.
So note to self: listen to as much happy music and dance as much as it takes to get your life back on track. Get some exercise,good food and go out once in a while, meeting new people is not going to kill you. Living life and not hiding from it is only going to make you stronger.
I'll talk to you soon
-K

November 12, 2013

It's been a while, again...
Recently life's been a roller coaster. And I didn't really want to write about the things that have been happening. But I actually had a good day today... till it went shit as usual.
Bruises, cuts, hurt bones, self made headaches (from hitting it off the wall) and smacked doors are only a few things that I've been doing recently.
My plan was to write nice things on here to only keep the good memories and move on from the bad.
It's about time I stop lying to myself.

It's going to get better but I have to make it happen. I'm not going to be able to be nice about this and spare peoples feelings. Why should I do it if no one ever does that for me....

I don't know what's the first step to getting my life in order but I know I can't take lying to everyone anymore. All those fake smiles and saying "ya I'm fine. Everything's good".

I have some random diary entries lying around. I might post them here... maybe not, we'll see. They're a bit raw, unedited bunch of feelings on a page. It could go both ways, very well or horribly bad.

I’ll talk to you soon.

-K

October 24th, 2013

Last night after I posted the last blog I was supposed to post another right after 12. I guess I had too nice of a snuggle that I went straight to sleep.
Life is what you make it. So don't fuck it up.

I’ll talk to you soon.

-K

October 23rd, 2013

I should remember this moment for exactly what it is.
Happiness comes in many forms. And once you find yours hold onto it, it's worth the time.
It might seem hard, sometimes even unbearable but if you just hold on just for a little bit it will all be ok in the end.
I'll talk to you soon
-K

September 02, 2013

This is quite funny… I was writing in the date at the title for today’s entry and it was the same as my latest one but a year ago. All I had to change was the year from 2012 to 2013. Time flies, huh?

One thing I can’t understand is, why do I go out of my way to screw things up for myself…? I was happy, truly happy for once in my life with nothing holding me back. So why not just stay like that? Why go back to my old ways and make myself miserable? All rhetorical questions obviously, but still ones that I have to answer.

I have to finally stand on my own two feet! Not listen to anyone’s B*S*! Be my own person! Not someone’s property that they can show off to their friends as if it’s a shine new toy. I remember myself saying this once or twice to me before but it’s about time I finally do it.

We’re alone in this world.

Whatever way you want to look at it, we are all alone. You can surround yourself with great people but at the end of the day it’s you and yourself with your thoughts falling asleep at night. No matter if there is someone next to you, it’s just you, all alone.

It’s great to have someone in your life that doesn't make you feel like that. But this is unfortunately very rare. 

Someone that makes you feel wanted, even when you feel worthless. Someone who you can see next to you even when you close your eyes. Someone who doesn't make you feel alone, even if they’re miles away. Someone who you can truly rely on.

I was lucky enough to find a person like that. A kind soul, with a heart of gold.

Coincidence or faith?

I don’t like to think that life is a bunch of random events that just happen to us. Though I never believed in faith, he has changed my view on it.  It feels like it was meant to be because too many things happened for it to be considered just a coincidence.

I remember how he looked at me the first time he met me. As if he knew me exactly. Whoever was talking his eyes would always wonder back to me. I didn’t pay much attention to it at the start because I didn't want to seem rude to everybody else around, but I kept on seeing it in the corner of my eye. He was a little quiet but I took any excuse I had to look at him. I felt so normal and comfortable around him, as if with my own shadow.

It might not even be true from his point of view and I might have been dreaming or simply had a heatstroke but for me that’s how it felt.

 The first kiss… So unexpected and so perfect, I thought I was dreaming. Afterwards I kept on pinching myself just to be sure it wasn't a dream. To my luck it wasn't one. When I met him I thought “No way. A guy this cute, smart and gorgeous would never go for me”, oh boy was I wrong. He turned my world upside down. In the best of ways!

He showed me how to truly appreciate myself and the things around me. Instead of putting me down and making me feel worthless. He made me believe in myself again, like no one ever did. I stopped blaming myself for the things that weren't even my fault. I finally forgave myself for the mistakes I have made and for the people I've hurt, who already forgave me a long time ago.

He makes me want to be a better person. Making me see the beauty in the world again, which I chose to dismiss for so long now.

I’ll talk to you soon.

-K

August 30th, 2013

Why is it so hard for people to be OK with who they are. It feels like it's a constant struggle to be alive and to make it through the day. Is it that bad that I for once just want to be happy?!
I haven't been writing for the last couple months, but I don't really have an excuse for it. This time it's quite simple... I've been way too busy enjoying my life and finally feeling alive.
I really don't wanna get back into my old ways, the way I was at the beginning of this year... sad, full of anxiety, depressed, alone, in fear of harming myself more than I already was...  All of that has to stop.
It may seem easy from your point of view but it never really is, is it?

Whatever it takes I have to promise myself that I'm going to making it happen. No more ''trying'' and no more excuses. I really can't take it anymore.
You got to be strong, no matter what! If not for your own well being, then at least for your family's sake. They would hate to see you go.

I’ll talk to you soon.

-K

August 7, 2013

10 past 12 in the night. I can't sleep without you near me. I've been trying for hours to get to sleep but I have to face the facts! Once you fall heed over heals in love with someone it's not easy letting them go, even for a short while.

I’ll talk to you soon.

-K

July 31, 2013

Well this is gonna be good! New phone, 24/hr acsess to blogger. I'll be able to write anytime I think of something! Instead of turning on my laptop typing turning it off or taking out my diary and sitting down writing. :-)

I’ll talk to you soon.

-K

April 13, 2013

Such a fun day out for my birthday on the 11th. Went to Athlone for 'Battle of the Bands' for J's band.
Free drinks, free club entry, more drinking and dancing :) Home at half 4 :) Awake at 8 and trying to still make it for morning lecture.
It was... something i dont care to write about.
I'll talk to you soon
-K

April 10, 2013

Ice cream helps with everything, well with most things.
Had a very interesting start to my day today. Small panic attack but it was only because I had planed to be ready and very focused today. I guess it wasn't needed but tomorrow I'll need to put in all that effort.
It's my birthday tomorrow :) And J is taking me to a battle of the bands were he's gonna be drumming for a band. Should be a great craic! wooow!

I'll talk to you soon.
-K

April 4th/ 5th, 2013

Back home, a bit more calm then earlier. I guess I do make things see worse than they actually are.
A nice night out was just what I needed.
Beautiful stary night,out driving on the back roads, grabbed some food and off to my real home I go.
You said to me: "just take it one step at a time", and that's exactly what I'm gonna try and do.
I'm not gonna over think it like I always do. I'm just gonna go with my gut and do what makes me happy. Thanks for always being there for me.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

March 29, 2013

Didn't write anything since December and I think it's because I got confused of what I originally started this for. But I know now, that whatever I have to say I can write here. If I want to practice my essay writing, why not, if it's just for fun, why not, or even if it's just to talk about something, why the hell not!!!

I'll talk to you soon.
-K