January 25th, 2015

If there's one universal law beyond relativity and sting theory and m-theory.
It's this: things can always get worse. So death comes as a reminder. It grabs us and shakes us, opens our eyes. And our focus is changed, shifted, improvised.
I'm gonna tell you this one from my point of view so you can put yourself in there.
So the story goes: the guy falls in love with a girl, the second he meets her. But it takes him a lifetime to finally get together with her. When they do they end up on a boat and they realise the only way they can stay together is to never go ashore. So they raise the yellow contagion flag so no port will take them and they drift out to sea till the end.
And it makes you realise, there are people in your life so important that they dwarf everything else. And it's up to you to realise who they are. If you had to give up everything else and spend the rest of your days on a boat. Who are the must haves? Ones you can't live without.
Figure out your own list and then do everything you can to let them know how much they mean to you and I hope it's not too late for me. Even with my boat pretty full there is still something missing. Time to write my own ending.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

January 22nd, 2015

How am I supposed to just go on like it's just another normal day when I know it's not. I've been trying everything but nothing seems to work. I don't think I've ever felt this sick and hopeless. For me this gives a whole new meaning to heartbreak. Never knew it could physically hurt this much. I want to be over it and I keep on telling myself that but I'm just waiting until I'm going to start believing my own lies too.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

January 21st, 2015

It's hard to find a purpose in life.
Especially now. Knowing that this time last year I was so happy.
I was so lost and confused but I was happy. I knew it was going to be hard to fix things that were wrong in my life but I was happy, so I didn't mind.
But now, all I have is roof over my head and food to eat. A complete waste of time. Just keeping myself here.
I'll talk to you later.
-K

January 19th, 2015

Can't wait until all of this pain is gonna be gone again. It comes and goes but when it's here it gets to a point of unreasonableness. It was fun while it lasted but I'm really considering was it worth anything...
I'm back to the exact same place where I left this time last year. The difference is that this time there is no escape, there is only crawling through the dirt.

January 15th, 2015

So I finally did it. It took a while but at least it wasn't rushed.
I took my time, made sure I was ready, found the courage and said a proper goodbye.
It's never easy to get over a relationship and I don't think you can get over it completely, but there is always a chance to move on with your life. You find a good timing, you motivate yourself and you go and conquer your fear of potentially loosing that person forever.
Just remember, he was the one that broke it off. He is the one that is loosing here. You are just gaining opportunity to grow and explore the world with a new appreciation for life and the things around you.

• Realize that everyone is afraid of something. I am the only person in my household who is not deathly afraid of spiders. ...
• You don't have to overcome your fear all at once. ...
• Approach your fears as opportunities for growth. ...
• Be careful how you talk to yourself about what you fear.

Understanding him is the key to understanding what you should do. Kind of experiencing quarter life crisis. He's looking at his life and saying ''I'm still very young and the idea of being in this relationship for the rest of my life seems like an awful long time as it does for anyone'' and that's somethings that's going to be freaking him out a little right now. If he's on his career path and these a slot going on there, right now and he has big goals there,he's probably imagining a lot of these experiences in life that he still wants to do. One of the hard things, they very often experience this desire to do all of these things to travel and to visit different part of the world and to live in these different places and to feel experiences in life. Which they don't always feel like they can do with a partner or if they are going to do it on their own they will miss their partner too much so why put themselves through the pain. Why not meet a partner later in life, after they've done all of those things. So he has that dilemma.

 This guy in unbelievably confused and thorn because he cares about you. He has spent a year and a half of his life with you which is long enough to get very very connected and very very entwined and in love and not to mention comfortable with that life. And giving that up is one of the scariest things people ever have to do.

 It's terrifying and horrible to be the one on the receiving end of a break up but it's also terrifying and horrible to be the person breaking up with somebody else. Because you have it on your head as to whether in a month you're going to regret the decision whether you're going to look back and think ''why did I do that. I've know let her go and who knows maybe she's someone else's by the time I realise that I really want her and that was a terrible decision.'' 

The hard part is that he can't realise it's the wrong decision by staying. If he stays and keeps going he'll always be wondering what the other thing was. And so he knows right now that he probably has to go and experience that other thing even if just to prove he was wrong. 

"I've been having an amazing time with you. I've been enjoying this relationship but I'm still terrified of what else is out there and of what I should be doing with my life. And whether or not this is the right thing for me to be doing at this stage of my life.'' And it's a testament to your relationship that he found it so difficult to do this, because it means he cares, it means there is love in the relationship and it means that he's also terrified of what he's loosing. It's fear of ''am I making the wrong choice''. In he's head it's all a mess right now.

The only way he's going to realise is by experiencing whatever it is he thinks he's missing or at least perusing it and trying it and seeing if that really works for him or whether in actual fact your relationship was the thing that he wanted. 

The right person can come at the wrong time. 

He might not believe he's supposed to be in a relationship right now at this stage of his life and it's a very difficult battle for you to fight but it's not your battle to fight. It's not your job to convince him that  it is the right time. 

It's you job to say to him ''okay, you know what. I love you, if you can't be happy in this relationship then you need to go and do what you think you need to do in order to be happy. And for your sake I hope you're right. I hope that whatever you're going for instead does make you happier because I wouldn't want you to go through the regret of this being the wrong decision. So go do your thing. And I know it is the hardest thing in the world to do. I know it is.'' 

It's something that is important for you to do and that lack of contact right now is very very important for you because right now you have that processes of first grieving. You will get over that, it will get less painful. And after that as soon as you're ready and as you can you go through the rebuilding period which is building a life that you're excited about. That can take you down new avenues and allow you to meet new people, experiencing new people, having new friends and great people around you and people that teach you how big the world is and how many different experiences there are to be had because there are just so many it's frightening.

You have to look at those moves critically and objectively and say ''is he really coming from a loving place, is he coming from a place of trying to re-build something here or is this really just him trying to feel connected.''

 

And him contacting me and reaching out is going to create constant pain for you right now. So understand he is not going to vanish off of the earth tomorrow. You don't have to respond to every message. You don't have to say the first time he texts you or calls you ''oh this is my chance''... take it slow, relax. 

Because if there's anything ever that is going to help him come around is feeling like you're going out to live your life as well. 

By going out and building this great existence and experiencing everything life has to offer and not waiting around for something that you could never guarantee and would be a foul to just sit there and wait for.

That pain is really really tough and I'm not in any way trying to make it sound easy cause it's not. It's one of the hardest things we ever go through. And it's so hard that for some people it turns them off relationships. It makes them turn away from them for good. But that's always the price we pay for how great it is and for how exciting it can be. 

And at the end of the day as special as this guy was, the world is a very big place and if nothing else he's given you the gift of showing you how much fun you can have, how happy you can be and how rich and meaningful life can be if you go out and create connections and there's billion of other people for you to go and do that with now. It is a positive learning experience and I know you will be okay. 

January 12th, 2015

This sucks... Three months later and it's still hard to not think about it every day. The daily reminders are the worst. Can't go to certain places, can't listen nor watch certain things. It made some of my favorite things become the ones I avoid the most, because they were once your favorite too. I'm lucky in a way that I moved away, cause I can't even imagine dealing with it while still living in the same place where we once fell in love. I feel bad for you a little, because you have to stay in a place I helped you to move into and that's not the only one.
It would be so much easier if there was a clear line drawn in the sand so I'd know where we stand. But you choose to not do that and continuously mess with my mind. It's a very selfish thing to do and you do not have my best interest at heart. You can't have it both ways.
I know I put on a smile when we were talking but trust me that was just to make you feel better. I was in such denial about what has happened that I didn't react for about a month. No tear, no laughter, no emotion what so ever, I felt dead. It took me another 2 weeks to even get out of the house.
But when it finally hit me I competently lost it.
Lost my sanity, lost all purpose, lost all my passions. I guess my main drive in life was you... and the plans I had for us.
I'll talk to you soon
-K

January 11th, 2015

Lesson learned number six: don't trust anybody that says I'll be there for you. There is a limit to everything... cause at the end of the day, it's just you alone with your thoughts in bed at night.
You ARE enough! You ARE the best company! You ARE fun, exciting, a great conversationalist and an amazing companion. Use this to your advantage when hanging out at home alone or out in the world meeting new and interesting people.
I'll talk to you soon
-K

January 4th, 2015

Lesson learned in 2015 number one:
If a person doesn't give a seconds thought to be nice and considerate towards you, do not waste any of your time on them. If they deserve it they're good enough for it, but if not, screw that s***.
Lesson learned number two:
If yesterday was a bad day, brush it off and make today better. Even with the tiniest of changes, cause in the end you'll end up with a pretty good day.
Lesson learned number three:
Do not care about other peoples thoughts on you. They can judge you all they want, they don't know you so why should you care about their thoughts...? You're good enough being yourself.
Lesson learned in 2014: "He walked out of my life quite unexpectedly. And it was just like he died and left me completely on my own. I guess you could say I lost my sparkle, best friend, my beady bear all in one day. 2013 thought me that even the most special people in your life can turn on you and it's just taken me so long to recover from that... And now I stand on my own two feet. So, yay." - Beckie0
Lesson learned number four:
Don't trust anybody that says I'll be there for you. There is a limit to everything... cause at the end of the day, it's just you alone with your thoughts in bed at night.
I'll talk to you soon
-K

January 1st, 2015

The first day done and now onto the second.
I guess in life you never stop learning... but why is it that all of the lessons to learn are either hard to go through or extremely painful.
I'm just hoping that at the end of this I can come out a strong person and not just a broken girl.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K