December 01, 2016

We always dream of different things. From the possibility of winning the lottery to building your dream home and having the dream job to living the best possible life that you've spent year dreaming of having. And this is my life now.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

August 30th, 2016

If this is my life then I'm happy as can be.
I am in charge of everything, control everything and I choose what happens. Can't ask for more than that. Though I have been given more. How have I deserved this I don't know but I ain't giving it back for anything.
I love every single little part of how my life is. Even right this second where it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Even now, I am so honestly happy. I'm surprised that I have it in me to do it but I'm glad I haven't lost all hope in the world to be able to push forward.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

August 24th, 2016

"Sometimes you meet someone, and it’s so clear that the two of you, on some level belong together. As lovers, or as friends, or as family, or as something entirely different. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love or you’re partners in crime. You meet these people throughout your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest circumstances, and they help you feel alive. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence, or fate, or sheer blind luck, but it definitely makes me believe in something."

- unknown

I am not sure who wrote this quote, but I am damn sure this is exactly where I am in life. 

So this apparently is what people call adulthood. Working, paying your own rent and bills, getting and making your own food, doing everything yourself. This is strange. 

On countless occasions I have said "I never seen this coming" and I really haven't. I have planned out everything, up to this point that is. I knew what school I was going to go to, I knew where I was going to live, I knew what I was going to eat. I got comfortable, most of the time I hid away but I was still comfortable from the safe place of my room. I could shot the door and keep the world out. But the world wasn't having it and wasn't going to leave me alone as I have recently found out. 

I have had a lot of dreams growing up but never thought any of them would ever come true. The main one though that kept on sticking when others would come and go was, the one I kept on striving for, for me to be accepted me for just simply being me and to be okay with it. I struggled with that for the longest time but eventually you realise that no one really cares about your mistakes as much as you might. No one looks at you for longer than 3 seconds and analyse your every move but yourself. If they do, carry on acting the full you want to be because you do you. 

Being comfortable in your own skin is easier said than done for anybody really but for someone with uncontrollable anxiety is almost near impossible, as I found out wrong the past couple of months. And to know that someone can truly and honestly fall in love with you for just that is the most incredible statement to write. 

"Endure it and it wont kill ya. And one day the sun will come out. You might not even notice straightaway. It'll be that faint and then you'll catch yourself thinking bout something bout someone who has no connection in the past someone who's only yours and you'll realise that this is where your life is."

He has helped me to see that I have a life here that I didn't think I could, that it is possible to be happy with who I am. I will never be just one thing. I have come from too many places and my past is like a maze I somehow with a lot of hard work found my way out of. But my roots will always be Polish/Irish, however much I might have tried to deny it in the past. You can find your own happiness you just have to look for it. 

All I can hope for is to make his life, our life together, as great as he has made mine since the day I've met him.

I'll talk to you soon.

-K.

July 21th, 2016

"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."

31/12/2015
This is very true. But finding the joy, well that is a b***h of a hard task. 

April 24th, 16.
This feels pretty strange.
I never could just be. I always analise my every move and every word said but now I'm just me. No hesitation, no double guessing and best of all no anxiety after words about what was going on during the day.
It's nice to cut out that constant stress out of my life.

I found this quote over a year ago and only now has it been possible to do. I struggled with this for years and it feels so strange for it to be so true and right and for my life to be just normal for once without constant stress around.

Walking down the hill from my house on the way to work feeling so good that my feet are unintentionally making me skip. Even the little things as feeling and looking good and not being apologetic about it.
I do feel as if I'm to feel bad for being so happy and content but what's the point?! I could be dead tomorrow! So I will not feel sorry. I will not apologise for finally coming out of depression and slowly taking control of my anxiety. It has been YEARS of crying myself to sleep, taking prescription tablets to calm me down, hiding myself so the world doesn't see me go by, hurting myself in more ways than one and never feeling like I deserve anything better.
It's about time I stop this pointless game because there is joy in life and you just have to go find it. And when you do, hold onto it with all you mite and never let it go!
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

July 17th, 2016

Life can be horrible. It can screw you over and over, tare you down, take your will to live and still come back for more.
I've been so used to it being this way that it became hard for me to see the good in the world. Sunshine after the storm became a myth and I accepted that life is just going to be this way.
But even though it kept on knocking me down I knew it couldn't stay like this forever and so I waited.

I waited for what felt like a miracle by now, to come along and make me see the beauty in the world again, to make me hopeful for the future and to make me happy to be here alive again.

That little miracle which I thought was impossible came.
It did come in a form of a human bean but it came to me.
Against all odds, against all the doubt in the world, that little handsome devil is the love of my life and there is no other way I can put it.

Never did I feel like this, like me around another human being, not even family. And soon enough he will be my family, though he feels like it already.

The person you are when you're alone with no distractions and no outside influences, the pure and real you. To be able to be that around another person is an almost impossible thing to do, but somehow I've done it.
I've gotten so luck to have found him when I did.
Looking forward to an interesting future cause no day is dull with him around.

June 2nd, 2016

How is this my life now?
Everything I ever wanted came to me in a blink of an eye. Living in/near London, be really happy with an amazing person that truly cares for me as much as I care for him, be comfortable with the living situation and somewhat happy with my job.
How did I turn getting coffee and hopping on an English train in England my everyday life.
June 14th, 2016...
Looking back I can't even remember what I've ever seen in anybody else than him not do I care to. 
It's such an amazing feeling to be perfectly content. To not feel empty anymore, as I have for years, is such an amazing thing that he has brought into my life. And for that I can not be thankful enough.
Be whole again. With him being the missing piece.

May 22nd, 2016

I miss home.
Some days I feel like I have been just toure away from it. Some days I feel like it was for the best because if this didn't happen I wouldn't be bilingual, and I wouldn't have met as amazing people as I have.
But a lot of the time that I get to speak Polish I get so tearie eyed because I don't speak it ever and it's like a part of me trying to bust out.
It's nice to feel like you're home just speaking to someone that understands although you are so far away from home.
I'll talk to you soon (Narazie!!!) xxxxx
-K
-

May 18th, 2016

Life is unexpected.  Life is unwritten. Life is spontaneous. You never know what's going to be. Too asleep to finish...
Later...
-K

April 19th, 2016

I had two giant paragraphs written down that I have taken from my old journal to be able to reflect on. And I accidentally closed the blogger app before saying.
But I guess it's for the best. Who wants to sit there and read back over your past.
You want to get out there and start your future!
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

April 12th, 2016

Yesterday was a good day. I might be bold enough to say it was a great day! One of the best ones I have had for quite a while.
For couple of years now I have been dreading my birthdays and this one was no exception.
Woke up nice and early with the little one, went off for a walk, a day like every other. But this time the living room door opened with flowers, muffins, sweets, a card and candles waiting for me!
And for some strange reason I didn't even wish for anything. All my life I have spend a solid minute thinking of a wish before blowing out the candles but this year I just didn't.
I didn't feel the need to wish for anything cause I have everything I need.
This is some turnaround from a couple of posts before.
I never thought I could ever feel this way again. Can't really say 'again' because I have never felt this way before. Just so happy and content. It's a good feeling.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

April 7th, 2016

So I guess I spent the whole of March just working and not paying attention to anything else.
I had this big plan of writing more on here as well as on paper and it just went horribly down hill.
I just too busy living my life to be writing about it. But did I get busy living or just found a way to pass my days?
Seeing my niece develop and grow, that's living. But my job seems to just be something making days pass as weeks.
I don't know do I like it but it's not like I got a say before for what's coming next in my life so I don't think I get a say this time too.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

March 6th, 2016

You think you're oh so great and your life has been so hard for you. Then you meet a person that is so fun, so happy, so kind, positive and optimistic. But after a few minute conversation with them you find out how their life has been a rollercoaster with unbelievable turns and bumps. That's when you realise that although you do have problems and you do have issues, it is nothing that you cannot overcome. If that person can do so much and only be 18 years old and carry on being one of the best  people you have ever met in your whole entire life,  you surely as an almost 24 year old can handle some depression, not knowing what you're doing in your life and anxiety.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

February 16th, 2016

This part of my life is the most annoying one, and it came out of nowhere.
One day 3 year ago I has fine and the next I was having a panic attack while sitting on the floor and smashing my head against the wall.
Now every time I think I have things under control something happens to prove me wrong.
This time it was crying histerically at a mini tart instructional video. I have not cried for a whole year and then I start crying at such stupid things... It's ridiculous!
Maybe some day I'll be okay.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

February 1st, 2016

Happy New Year.
I've been badly slacking on my new year tasks, but ah well too busy with life.

You can't keep clinging onto the memories of your past. Some point we have to let go, I was afraid of that, but I'm starting to be okay with it.
It's been too long to think that things are going to change. Even if they did, dragging a fresh start through the old times would be a waste of every bodies time. If you wanna do it again then do it, but don't rehash the past. They call it the past for a reason and it's to stay there.

I at least should be proud of what I've achieved. The amount of stuff that I went through, most of them that I did to myself and to still come out on the other side. It is really something to be proud of. I just need to hold on to it from now on.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K