December 24th, 2019

We all struggle in life, but for some it's more often than not. 

Out of all of the days to be writing... on Christmas eve... hours before seeing the family for our Christmas dinner all together.

One thing I have struggled in life with is acceptance. Maybe I should watch that episode of "One Tree Hill" again because I seem to have forgotten the 6 stages of grief that I used to have taped to my teenage bedroom wall. Almost as an homage to the best TV show ever with the best actress playing the one character I could relate to even in the darkest of times. 

I kind of went off on a rant there and lost my train of thought... right... struggle. I am, struggling, right now. 

It's hard to believe it for yet another time. I have now lost count of how many times there has been over the years, but many, of me losing it. Or just simply not being myself. Well the self that I know, happy go lucky carefree chipper friendly Karina. 

This time around it's that much harder to accept because it has no purpose, it has no reason to be in my life. Everything is good finally. Life is going good for me and there is no need for all this overwhelming, heart wrenching, suffocating anxiety. 

With another sleepless night gone by I'm just left here tossing and turning, wondering is it not about time I accept the fact that it's a part of me. And that I will have to battle with it every day. But if I battle every day maybe some day soon its going to be a battle every couple days and the couple weeks will go by were I've only had a smile on my face with not a worry in sight. 

Maybe that's something I will have to start doing. With the new year just around the corner, having new years resolutions and all. 

Maybe, just maybe I'll see some peace on the horizon. 

I'll talk to you later.

-K

December 23rd, 2019

We forget a lot of the time about the little things in life. The little things we used to cherish and be so fond of. Time spent with friends, family and others. With another year almost gone by this is usually the time people reflect on life and while I lie awake at night I cant help but think about how things have changed. Some for the better and some just followed it's natural curse. 

So if you're still in my life know that I love you, if I'm still in you're thoughts know that I miss you and if you're still in my heart know that I'll always be there. 

-K xox

December 14, 2019

So it's been a while. 

I guess I haven't been writing because I just got busy with life. Things started happening in my life and it got so good and I've been so happy as to not need to nor have the time to write... but clearly it stops now.

It's really hard to think about the situation I'm in. So much older, but still have the same feelings wash over me that I have either buried or worked through over and over again for years. Clearly it has not finished with me yet as much as I'm done with it. 

That horrible feeling of my skin being on fire or my head feeling like it's about to implode or even were I go so numb that my nails burying into my arms and chest is the only way I can feel. 

I guess I'm okay.

It's just frustrating dealing with this over and over again. It's been 6 years since I wrote my first blog on here and it's been 6 years since my panic attacks, anxiety and depression have started. I've been on the other side feeling better after counselling so many time over the years. Why?!... why does this still happen?!