Why is is possible to not want to exist but still think you live in such an amazing environment and a happy life. Where the hell is it coming from?! I'd be so disappointed in myself if one day I did end it, cause I have everything I ever wanted. But at the same time my mind tells me on the daily what a failure I am and that everyone around me would be better of with me not being here.
What the F*** is going on?!
Yes, I seen multiple counsellors and yes, I have been on multiple medications and I'm still going through this s*** show.
I'll talk to you later,
-K
My thoughts, feelings, opinions and thingy things coming out of my head. Writing maybe weekly, maybe daily. Definitely every couple days when I'll get a chance.
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Monday, 13 July 2020
Monday, 6 July 2020
July 7th, 2019
This is a draft I just found from last year. I don't even remember writing it, but that's how it usually goes. I get so sad and depressed, I cry for ages and then something in the back of my head tells me 'go write about it', I wake up in the morning not even knowing I wrote anything.
"This time there is no excuse of being busy for why I haven't been writing. I simply said I was done.
Done with noting everything I do and analysing everything I write about to its last detail. But clearly something changed and now we're here.
I was reading a post from back in the day, where I was happy and I was very encouraging and understanding to myself. And it was strange to read such nice things, I was surprised they could come out of my own mouth."
I'll talk to you soon.
-K
"This time there is no excuse of being busy for why I haven't been writing. I simply said I was done.
Done with noting everything I do and analysing everything I write about to its last detail. But clearly something changed and now we're here.
I was reading a post from back in the day, where I was happy and I was very encouraging and understanding to myself. And it was strange to read such nice things, I was surprised they could come out of my own mouth."
I'll talk to you soon.
-K
July 7th, 2020
I feel so defeated. The battle with my mental health has been going on for year now and I feel like I don't have the strength to fight it anymore. Whether I am on medication or not I don't think that there is any way of winning this. When I was taking it I was a zombie. I was able to not freak out as much and get through the day in somewhat of a calm fashion but I wasn't able to do much at all. Shopping only happened when I had no more food to eat and even then getting out of the house took about 10-15 tries of walking up to the door and just turning straight back around. When I did freak out it was so violent I would even scare myself and medication would be taken as and when I needed it, even if I already took my daily dose. There was no single bad day, there were weeks. I was lucky to get a 5 minute break where clarity set in and I could breath. All of this is just the tip of the iceberg for how the years continued while talking the meds.
Been off them for about 3 months now ever since I started them around 2012 and it's been great, most of the time. Had a step back where I had a panic attack at work because of the place I work and went straight back on them. Damn what a mistake that was. This was when I realised how much they have changed me. I was clear minded because I was already well detoxed after not taking them for 2 solid months so I was able to clearly see what numbing and fatigue they were causing me. I did not smile where I would normally be laughing at something, I did not want to speak where I'm normally an extremely talkative person. I was just a shell of myself and this was only after one day of being back on them.
So I made the decision of never taking them again, but damn was it not an easy road to take. I still had the same amount of stress and worry but would just have to manage it on my own and find a way to still cope. It made me quickly realise that doing stuff for other people with them clearly not caring for me was really not worth it. I had to learn how to put my foot down and just do whats best for me even if it had consequences later on. It's been a learning curve and I still can't say it's been a good one cause I'm really not there yet.
Every single day is a struggle. There are better days than others and there are the great days were I get to forget about the depression completely. But there still are the bad day, at least now the don't last for weeks on end.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K
Been off them for about 3 months now ever since I started them around 2012 and it's been great, most of the time. Had a step back where I had a panic attack at work because of the place I work and went straight back on them. Damn what a mistake that was. This was when I realised how much they have changed me. I was clear minded because I was already well detoxed after not taking them for 2 solid months so I was able to clearly see what numbing and fatigue they were causing me. I did not smile where I would normally be laughing at something, I did not want to speak where I'm normally an extremely talkative person. I was just a shell of myself and this was only after one day of being back on them.
So I made the decision of never taking them again, but damn was it not an easy road to take. I still had the same amount of stress and worry but would just have to manage it on my own and find a way to still cope. It made me quickly realise that doing stuff for other people with them clearly not caring for me was really not worth it. I had to learn how to put my foot down and just do whats best for me even if it had consequences later on. It's been a learning curve and I still can't say it's been a good one cause I'm really not there yet.
Every single day is a struggle. There are better days than others and there are the great days were I get to forget about the depression completely. But there still are the bad day, at least now the don't last for weeks on end.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K
Monday, 17 February 2020
February 17th, 2020
It's a slow slow downwards spiral. Not getting a minute of peace is really adding up. I thought I had it all... I thought I had my happily ever after... Why did I have to go and ruin it.
Maybe if I just have put up with it that little but longer, maybe things would have been different.
And now all I have is this stupid karma.
I'm sorry.
I'll talk to you later.
-K
Thursday, 23 January 2020
January 23rd, 2020
It's hard to know it is the beginning of the end.
How are you supposed to accept that you have done all you can and it was not good enough.
I have dragged myself to the end of earth and can't go any further.
Maybe it is just me or maybe it is just not meant to be, but it is almost impossible to know.
Batteling with depression every single day is taking its tole and I'm not sure am I bothered anymore to pretend I'm okay, because im not.
I'll talk to you later.
-K