I was writing a message to a new counselling organization I found called CASS. I do need help but thinking that someone might see me meltdown and see my real reaction feels worse than death so instead of sending them a message I'm just going to post it here instead to have it saved incase I ever work up the courage to send it through.
"Hi, I need help to understand why this is happening to me. I'm having meltdowns and can barely control my hands. I am getting to a point were all I want to do it hurt myself to make it stop, the only thing that feels good and takes the pressure off is digging my fingers into my arms as hard as I can. Not particularly 'ending my life' but no longer being here is a daily accordance multiply times a day. If I do something wrong at home the emmidiet reaction is that I'm a waste and should just not be here. This is way harder than what I have dealt with before when it comes to my general behaviour with anxiety and depression. This I cannot handle. It is completely overbearing and overwhelming. It takes me at least 2 days to come back around and even then I'm not fully back to being okay. This spout of depression and feeling of worthlessness has been here for couple weeks now and it makes it even harder when the only calming this is sitting in a room staring at a screen with some mindless show on. Can't stand anything touching my skin, textures are so odd and particular that I can freak at anything and I won't know until my body reacts.
That is the main thing with it. It is not my choice! Non of it is! It is my body reacting, shaking, spazzing, flinching, but my mind is clear. I feel like I'm trapped in this body because non of this I choose to do. I want to make it stop and go back to who I used to be because it's just getting worse and worse every week. If I don't change something now and do something about this I will either end up in a psyc ward or in a bath tub.
There is always tomorrow... We'll see how it'll go.
I'll talk to you soon,
-K