May 17th till unknown

I hate this.

I hate every second I'm awake feeling like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest over and over again. I hate how numb I'm getting... Only functioningbas half a person, as you're the other half of me.

I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you don't let me drive your car I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb boot's, and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right,

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around,

And the fact that you didn't call

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

Not even close,

Not even a little bit,

Not even at all

May 16th till unknown

I hate this.

Hate every night that I don't get to feel you near me. Hate every second I'm awake feeling like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest over and over again when I remember what I'm trying so hard to forget...

I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you don't let me drive your car I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb boot's, and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right,

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around,

And the fact that you didn't call

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

Not even close,

Not even a little bit,

Not even at all

May 6th till unknown

I hate this.

Hate every morning without a coffee served and a kiss goodbye with a "love you have a good day"...

I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you don't let me drive your car I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb boot's, and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right,

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry

I hate it when you're not around,

And the fact that you didn't call

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

Not even close,

Not even a little bit,

Not even at all

July 2nd, 2023

These things is what life is worth living for. My dreams of working with dogs and my world revolving around dogs caming true, my partner/boyfriend/fiancé(soon I hope) being in my life and me being able to live honestly 24 hours a day, my family being close to me and everything that's good in the world happening to me. 

I'll talk to you soon.

-K

September 11th, 2021

I am a shell of a person I used to be. 

I do remember feeling like this before and I know it's a part of my life but this is not who I am as a whole. 

I need to get out of this rump because life is as good as it can be but the years of struggling are getting to be so much that I really can't cope with it anymore. I'm tired of putting on a smile and carrying on as if the problems are not a big deal, as if its all gonna pass eventually. 

It is not passing, it is not going away no matter what I do. I can't live like this anymore, I don't think my mind can take much more... and I have been staying that for way too long now.

I'll talk to you soon.

-K

July 25th, 2021

 So life is changing in some major ways again and I don't know how to feel about it. 

Instead of just existing, it's going to be my choice to carry on with every day. Before, life just happened and I was just there when the next day came around. I was so blind to so many thing. 

July 14th, 2021

I was writing a message to a new counselling organization I found called CASS. I do need help but thinking that someone might see me meltdown and see my real reaction feels worse than death so instead of sending them a message I'm just going to post it here instead to have it saved incase I ever work up the courage to send it through. 

"Hi, I need help to understand why this is happening to me. I'm having meltdowns and can barely control my hands. I am getting to a point were all I want to do it hurt myself to make it stop, the only thing that feels good and takes the pressure off is digging my fingers into my arms as hard as I can. Not particularly 'ending my life' but no longer being here is a daily accordance multiply times a day. If I do something wrong at home the emmidiet reaction is that I'm a waste and should just not be here. This is way harder than what I have dealt with before when it comes to my general behaviour with anxiety and depression. This I cannot handle. It is completely overbearing and overwhelming. It takes me at least 2 days to come back around and even then I'm not fully back to being okay. This spout of depression and feeling of worthlessness has been here for couple weeks now and it makes it even harder when the only calming this is sitting in a room staring at a screen with some mindless show on. Can't stand anything touching my skin, textures are so odd and particular that I can freak at anything and I won't know until my body reacts. 

That is the main thing with it. It is not my choice! Non of it is! It is my body reacting, shaking, spazzing, flinching, but my mind is clear. I feel like I'm trapped in this body because non of this I choose to do. I want to make it stop and go back to who I used to be because it's just getting worse and worse every week. If I don't change something now and do something about this I will either end up in a psyc ward or in a bath tub. 

There is always tomorrow... We'll see how it'll go. 

I'll talk to you soon,

-K