June 6th, 2017

How can I be so happy and then one day something decides "no, not today. You don't get to be your normal happy go lucky self. Today you're going to feel miserable."
And that's how I am today. Worthless.

I had this saved in the drafts for so long. I guess even today it's still true.
Why do I feel like this?!
It's constantly making me feel like I'm going crazy. One minute I'm fine and having fun and the next I feel like the world's most awful person.
What is this?

Sunday 21st May 2017

This has been one of the hardest most amazing year and a quarter of my life. Can't even imagine what I would have done without​ him. He has brought such joy into my life and just simply has made sense of it where I always struggled to. This is everything I have always wanted and so much more that I had to learn along the way but the bad days make the good that much more special and they are always a learning curve where we grow stronger together.
I just hope he sees it the same.
Sees the amazing most kind man that I have the pleasure to call my fiance.
The exact one that I fell in love with so quickly and so deeply that not even he could explain.
From the second I've met him I could see there was something special about him. There are things I have felt that I couldn't even explain why, even before he even met me. It was just a gut feeling I just had to go with.
He has helped me grow into a person I am finally proud to be. I am myself. The self I knew I was behind all the blacked out clothes, behind all the make-up, behind all the fake smiles and the 'I'm fines'.
To feel so normal for once, I am forever grateful. Because he could see what no one ever could. The girl that was hiding behind all of it.

April 14th, 2017

So...
My first blog of 2017 and I'm writing it half way through spring. It's been one heck of a start .
I feel like I'm always using being busy as an excuse for why I'm not writing but this time for once it's true. Back in college when I was too depressed to leave my bed for days and had plenty of time to write but I rather have stared at my laptop screen for hours and then spend the rest of my time just sleeping. To ever feel like that again is petrifying.
But while lying there all I thought was "this can't last forever".
Don't think he realises that when I say "you're all I ever wanted" I say it with every ounce of my being. Any place I ever lived in I felt out of place. Like I was there but I didn't belong. Like the people around me just seen me as a body and not a human. I may have my flaws but he loves me anyway, which I could not be more great-full for. Every morning since I've known him I look at his handsome face and count myself so lucky to be with him. To be able to call him mine.
I acted so over the top because to me it was real. What felt like my heart being torn out of my chest went from relaxing at home to slamming the door and walking out never to be seen again.