I need to find a permanent way of making my panic attacks to stop. I really am sick of feeling this way. It's an unending circle. I'd wake up one morning feel great, then the next I get a massive panic attack recurring for a week which I'd get depressed over/after.
When I feel like it's all good, everything is back to normal whether it's having a good week or month then it hits me again. And this has been happening for about 3 years now and that's 3 years too many.
I'd love to know what the damn is wrong with me and how do I fix it....?
Every time I get like this I'm forced to get help because I get to a point where I don't recognize myself. But why can't I just get better and stay that way. It's turning me into a very unpredictable being, which is not fun for anyone. I'm so sick of it, physically and mentally in every way.
Wish I knew what to do about this.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K
My thoughts, feelings, opinions and thingy things coming out of my head. Writing maybe weekly, maybe daily. Definitely every couple days when I'll get a chance.
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Wednesday, 26 August 2015
Tuesday, 25 August 2015
August 25th, 2015
I just woke up, with this clarity running through my head about my depression.
And all at once I felt like I could understand everything that was wrong.
It was a weird feeling that I have never felt before.
I thought, how easy it would have been just to get up and start my day, like I just did. No hesitation, no struggle just turned off the alarm and out of bed I get.
October had a hard two weekends for me, but nothing really hit me until after Christmas.
January came and I was a mess.
I think I only lasted a week of motivation for the year that New Years resolutions create for people.
Everything after that just felt like train-wreck.
I got medication, counselling, met with a psychiatrist nurse on a somewhat regular bases and a doctor, and did all of that at once. It really did help. Still am on the medication everyday twice a day but without it some days would have been impossible to get through.
It really is up to the person that's trying to get better to really get better. It takes time, patience and a lot of hard work but it is possible, well, until the next time something bad happens and I spiral out of control.
At least for now I'm content.
Things now can only get better because I already have felt what it's like to hit rock-bottom.
"Only in a true life-and-death scenario can you have mental clearness to know that you cannot feel guilty for surviving," - Quote.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K
And all at once I felt like I could understand everything that was wrong.
It was a weird feeling that I have never felt before.
I thought, how easy it would have been just to get up and start my day, like I just did. No hesitation, no struggle just turned off the alarm and out of bed I get.
October had a hard two weekends for me, but nothing really hit me until after Christmas.
January came and I was a mess.
I think I only lasted a week of motivation for the year that New Years resolutions create for people.
Everything after that just felt like train-wreck.
I got medication, counselling, met with a psychiatrist nurse on a somewhat regular bases and a doctor, and did all of that at once. It really did help. Still am on the medication everyday twice a day but without it some days would have been impossible to get through.
It really is up to the person that's trying to get better to really get better. It takes time, patience and a lot of hard work but it is possible, well, until the next time something bad happens and I spiral out of control.
At least for now I'm content.
Things now can only get better because I already have felt what it's like to hit rock-bottom.
"Only in a true life-and-death scenario can you have mental clearness to know that you cannot feel guilty for surviving," - Quote.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K
Saturday, 15 August 2015
August 15th, 2015
It's been a while but life gets busy and like good friends it's not like you mind.
I keep on screwing up my life but it does have its good moments. Finally looking after a dog really brings the energy up in me.
No more long days in bed doing nothing. No more long nights till four o'clock in the morning. No more pointless days, everyday is an adventure with him.
I never thought I would need him as much as I do.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K