July 7th, 2020

I feel so defeated. The battle with my mental health has been going on for year now and I feel like I don't have the strength to fight it anymore. Whether I am on medication or not I don't think that there is any way of winning this. When I was taking it I was a zombie. I was able to not freak out as much and get through the day in somewhat of a calm fashion but I wasn't able to do much at all. Shopping only happened when I had no more food to eat and even then getting out of the house took about 10-15 tries of walking up to the door and just turning straight back around. When I did freak out it was so violent I would even scare myself and medication would be taken as and when I needed it, even if I already took my daily dose. There was no single bad day, there were weeks. I was lucky to get a 5 minute break where clarity set in and I could breath. All of this is just the tip of the iceberg for how the years continued while talking the meds.
Been off them for about 3 months now ever since I started them around 2012 and it's been great, most of the time. Had a step back where I had a panic attack at work because of the place I work and went straight back on them. Damn what a mistake that was. This was when I realised how much they have changed me. I was clear minded because I was already well detoxed after not taking them for 2 solid months so I was able to clearly see what numbing and fatigue they were causing me. I did not smile where I would normally be laughing at something, I did not want to speak where I'm normally an extremely talkative person. I was just a shell of myself and this was only after one day of being back on them.
So I made the decision of never taking them again, but damn was it not an easy road to take. I still had the same amount of stress and worry but would just have to manage it on my own and find a way to still cope. It made me quickly realise that doing stuff for other people with them clearly not caring for me was really not worth it. I had to learn how to put my foot down and just do whats best for me even if it had consequences later on. It's been a learning curve and I still can't say it's been a good one cause I'm really not there yet.
Every single day is a struggle. There are better days than others and there are the great days were I get to forget about the depression completely. But there still are the bad day, at least now the don't last for weeks on end. 
 I'll talk to you soon.
-K