September 02, 2013

This is quite funny… I was writing in the date at the title for today’s entry and it was the same as my latest one but a year ago. All I had to change was the year from 2012 to 2013. Time flies, huh?

One thing I can’t understand is, why do I go out of my way to screw things up for myself…? I was happy, truly happy for once in my life with nothing holding me back. So why not just stay like that? Why go back to my old ways and make myself miserable? All rhetorical questions obviously, but still ones that I have to answer.

I have to finally stand on my own two feet! Not listen to anyone’s B*S*! Be my own person! Not someone’s property that they can show off to their friends as if it’s a shine new toy. I remember myself saying this once or twice to me before but it’s about time I finally do it.

We’re alone in this world.

Whatever way you want to look at it, we are all alone. You can surround yourself with great people but at the end of the day it’s you and yourself with your thoughts falling asleep at night. No matter if there is someone next to you, it’s just you, all alone.

It’s great to have someone in your life that doesn't make you feel like that. But this is unfortunately very rare. 

Someone that makes you feel wanted, even when you feel worthless. Someone who you can see next to you even when you close your eyes. Someone who doesn't make you feel alone, even if they’re miles away. Someone who you can truly rely on.

I was lucky enough to find a person like that. A kind soul, with a heart of gold.

Coincidence or faith?

I don’t like to think that life is a bunch of random events that just happen to us. Though I never believed in faith, he has changed my view on it.  It feels like it was meant to be because too many things happened for it to be considered just a coincidence.

I remember how he looked at me the first time he met me. As if he knew me exactly. Whoever was talking his eyes would always wonder back to me. I didn’t pay much attention to it at the start because I didn't want to seem rude to everybody else around, but I kept on seeing it in the corner of my eye. He was a little quiet but I took any excuse I had to look at him. I felt so normal and comfortable around him, as if with my own shadow.

It might not even be true from his point of view and I might have been dreaming or simply had a heatstroke but for me that’s how it felt.

 The first kiss… So unexpected and so perfect, I thought I was dreaming. Afterwards I kept on pinching myself just to be sure it wasn't a dream. To my luck it wasn't one. When I met him I thought “No way. A guy this cute, smart and gorgeous would never go for me”, oh boy was I wrong. He turned my world upside down. In the best of ways!

He showed me how to truly appreciate myself and the things around me. Instead of putting me down and making me feel worthless. He made me believe in myself again, like no one ever did. I stopped blaming myself for the things that weren't even my fault. I finally forgave myself for the mistakes I have made and for the people I've hurt, who already forgave me a long time ago.

He makes me want to be a better person. Making me see the beauty in the world again, which I chose to dismiss for so long now.

I’ll talk to you soon.

-K