January 1st, 2016

I don't know if I would call myself an adult, but I'm not a kid... So, I don't know what that makes me.
The most exciting part about being young is, I don't know, everything. Not having to it all planed out, discovering parts of you that you didn't know existed. Not knowing whats happening.
Latterly anything is possible. Anything, anything's possible and the more I say it the more I believe it.
If we can achieve escape velocity we can have a chance at our own actual lives. We can go whereever we want to. I don't know what I'm gonna do and I'm freaking out.
Be weird, be impulsive! I have my passport, I'm ready to go. Don't play small, not for anybody, you're already really short.
I'm still little young and stupid which is okay cause I'm 24 years old.
You're going to fail, fail gloriously.
What happened to our dreams? I don't have a corner office on wall street, with a hot assistant who is secretly in love with me.
Being in love for the first time is the most insane, brilliant, terrifying... It's kind of like you won something. I could also do without the soul crushing part of it. I need you to know the truth and be ok with it, But I'm not okay with it.
Let it go, just let it go. Cold never bothered me anyway.
I have to remind myself every day that the future is unwritten.
That's what an adventure is. You go in one way and you usually come out different.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

December 30th, 2015

I spent my life delving into what it all means. How do we still seek purpose? That very question is what it's all about. We want our eyes closed to the dark, society depends on this.
When life challenges you.
The world has just become so inhuman. Why is it so insensitive, why is it so selfish?
When love disappoints you.
I'm not going to be what I've turned into anymore. At the heart of human interaction is the agreement that we're all going to fabricate.
We search for a connection.
I am so lonely. I crave interaction. I crave it.
I've been descent, honest, loyal, I've worked hard.
Do we abandon the search for truths or is all this finally and forever pointless.

November 20th, 2015

It has taken me quite a  long time but finally I see what I've been missing.
I've been taking all of this 'life' stuff way too seriously.
Looking back through the old pictures of myself showed me that the bad days passed and only the memory of the good ones stuck. No matter how bad the day was, no matter what I was feeling, that's past now and I'm happy. Never thought I'd be able to get past all of the S**t I went through but now I'm coming out the other end which I never even thought existed.
It's nice to be hopeful for the future which has been a foreign concept to me so far.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

November 5th, 2015

On the 3rd of February 2007 I had a big brown leather journal that I started on my 1st year of secondary school. And on that day I wrote:
"If everything happens for a reason that means there is a reason for me to be here in Ireland without any talent, any idea what am I doing here"
I was such a stupid kid! Reading these poages while I rip them out to burn later is just tragic.
Almost every page is filled with me talking about guys, broken hearts and their needs. What about me damn it?!  So done with this whole shebang. pathetic.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

November 1st, 2015

Being a hopeless romantic may be a beautiful feeling when you're actually in love, though it does not help your love life. Watching romantic scenes in t.v. shows and movies feeling the feelings they are feeling staring into each others eyes knowing their love is forever.
But wanting to be single without the ability to stay single but wanting to be in love is quite the tall order. I know I'm overthinking it and I do just have to just leave it to fate but it's till quite annoying not being able to do anything to change it.
Feeling someone elses love in every fiber of your being is never fun
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

October 30th, 2015

It's been hell (sarcasm alert) of a day and hell of a week and more so hell of a month.
I must have went through every possible emotion today. I was depressed, happy, frustrated, anxious, hipper and all mixed about all day long. And to add to that I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. I thought I was done with all of the problems I've been going to counseling for but I guess I was bit too quick with thinking it was all gone, finally, but no...
Although I'm dealing with it better it's still damn frustrating and annoying to be around people and trying to keep calm.
Finishing college and not having a plan for life doesn't help one bit.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

September 27th, 2015

I'm trying to find the good in this sea of bad,what a terrible place to start from. Cause every bad experience you now have will only reinforce what you think you know already, which is that it's mostly bad but you're trying to search for the elusive good. Even when it's good it hurts, that's okay, that's part of it.
Fall in love with moments. Fall in love with little moments in every part of your day. So there are different types of love. There is the love of a sunset, there is the love of a great city scape when you're at a top of a hotel building and you see the city in front of you. Some of my favorite things in the world.

September 07, 2015

Ever since I can remember I've been wanting to be in love. Well that part came easy, but to finding someone to love me back has been the not so easy part.

I listen to love songs, watch romantic indie films and hope that one day that could be me.. and once it was...

Though as life would have it everything has an expiry date and this was one that I really wasn't expecting. So now I'm basically stuck in limbo; flouting in between of everything but not set in anything solid. That can be very frustrating most of the time but some of it can be quite freeing. 

I do have to start over, again... 

Clearly I'm not trilled about it but it's not like I have a choice. I don't control other persons feelings, though it would make so many parts of life so much easier. 

At least I was being realistic when naming this blog 'somewhat daily' it's pretty accurate.
I'd love to know whats wrong with me. Just being neurotic might be in off for now.

I'll talk to you soon.

-K

August 26th, 2015

I need to find a permanent way of making my panic attacks to stop. I really am sick of feeling this way. It's an unending circle. I'd wake up one morning feel great, then the next I get a massive panic attack recurring for a week which I'd get depressed over/after.
When I feel like it's all good, everything is back to normal whether it's having a good week or month then it hits me again. And this has been happening for about 3 years now and that's 3 years too many.
I'd love to know what the damn is wrong with me and how do I fix it....?
Every time I get like this I'm forced to get help because I get to a point where I don't recognize myself. But why can't I just get better and stay that way. It's turning me into a very unpredictable being, which is not fun for anyone. I'm so sick of it, physically and mentally in every way.
Wish I knew what to do about this.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

August 25th, 2015

I just woke up, with this clarity running through my head about my depression.
And all at once I felt like I could understand everything that was wrong.
         It was a weird feeling that I have never felt before.
I thought, how easy it would have been just to get up and start my day, like I just did. No hesitation, no struggle just turned off the alarm and out of bed I get.
October had a hard two weekends for me, but nothing really hit me until after Christmas.
January came and I was a mess.
I think I only lasted a week of motivation for the year that New Years resolutions create for people.
Everything after that just felt like train-wreck.
I got medication, counselling, met with a psychiatrist nurse on a somewhat regular bases and a doctor, and did all of that at once. It really did help. Still am on the medication everyday twice a day but without it some days would have been impossible to get through.
It really is up to the person that's trying to get better to really get better. It takes time, patience and a lot of hard work but it is possible, well, until the next time something bad happens and I spiral out of control.
At least for now I'm content.
Things now can only get better because I already have felt what it's like to hit rock-bottom.

"Only in a true life-and-death scenario can you have mental clearness to know that you cannot feel guilty for surviving," - Quote.

I'll talk to you soon.
-K

August 15th, 2015

          It's been a while but life gets busy and like good friends it's not like you mind.

I keep on screwing up my life but it does have its good moments. Finally looking after a dog really brings the energy up in me. 

No more long days in bed doing nothing. No more long nights till four o'clock in the morning. No more pointless days, everyday is an adventure with him. 

I never thought I would need him as much as I do. 

I'll talk to you soon.

-K

May 30th, 2015

"It's true what they say, it does get better, but you have to make it get better or at least start believing in yourself. I'm sure I'll listen to myself soon and start doing that." Feb-27th-2015... still waiting...

I want to change my life for the better, but how do you go about fixing every part of your existence since birth? It really doesn't seem as easy as I think it could be.
Ice cream helps in times like this. It helps to not feel like I'm going to break down crying every second of the day, but that's all temporary and I am trying to not eat so much sugar.
So how to you help yourself in fixing your life when the things I know how to do are what you should not do? 
I'll let you know when I'll figure that part out.

I'll talk to you soon.
-K

May 5th, 2015

I was helping my mum move house over the Easter break. It took a whole month for the phone company to send someone out to connect the phone line and two weeks on top of that for the internet to be connected. Apart from that I got really lazy... so here are all of the entries I wrote since the last post.

14/01/2015
The electrician came to the house today to fix something with the fuse line. Because the internet didn't work properly or something other. He had to turn off our modem and I only lasted 5 minutes before I was bored out of my mind... I really have a problem when it comes to the internet.
12/04/2015
No I do not have a problem with the internet I've been here a week and didn't really need it at all!
09/04/2015
It's crazy how some of your most favorite things can so easily become some of the most dreaded things to do.
Having something specific for dinner, brushing my teeth, picking a movie to watch or watching some tv shows, seeing the sun set, debating whether the full moon is out or not yet, holding hands, standing close to people, listening to music; that's one of the worst ones.
That's just some of them but I'm sure there's more.
It's just been quite annoying.
Not being able to be in particular places. Or...! Even tearing up in the middle of B&Q when seeing roles of wallpaper...
10/04/2015
Tomorrow is my birthday, and for once in my life I really don't mind. Usually I celebrate it from the second I wake up to the last possible second in the day. But tomorrow really feels like just another day.
I guess it doesn't feel any bit special if there's no special person to celebrate it with.
11/04/2015
...Happy Birthday to me...
I don't really see why I should settle for anything less than I know I deserve. I know what I want and there will be no stopping me from getting it.
There will be no going out with assholes! Not even giving them the time of day! No apologising for what I believe and do mean to say. If you don't like it then you can shove it.
15/04/2015
What happened to me..? I used to be so happy and carefree.
I was looking over my old bebo pictures cause I got a way of downloading them off the app/website and they show everything I want to be like, but it's as if I forgot how to be that.
27/04/2015
If I let Myself Care, All I'll feel Is Pain. I have to cut him out of my life and not let him control me and take a vantage of me. If he wants to be a kid and change all of our plans from now on just because I won't sleep with him anymore then be it. I don't need him. Even if it might seems like sometimes I do, he always proves to me that I do not, at all, not even one bit!
30/04/2015Everyone starts out thinking "this is forever" but then things get hard. I need to try some other version of myself. I'll never get to where we were, some place good. 
05/05/2015 ForeverNon of us can make it through this life without suffering some kind of pain. Having lived through my fair share I can tell you the most difficult to endure is loneliness.Life is a game and one that we must play. No matter how careful we are there is simply no way to go through this life escalated. But fortunately for us it's a game we don't have to play alone. 
09/05/2015 Here is the annoying thing about being a hopeless romantic. You get your moment, you get your epic love story and then it ends, with no happy ending. And as fast as it came it's gone.

I'll talk to you soon
-K

April 2nd, 2015

I've been home doing nothing and wasting so much of my life recently. I do want to get better though I don't see that being a possibility, well not yet. I know I should just stop denying it and start doing but some days are harder than others. 'SoulPancake' is a great channel on 'Youtube' that more often than not gets to me, but in the best of ways.
I do have to start listening to myself like I always try to do. Not take no for an answer but only from myself. No excuses, no fear and no complaints.
Life is what it is. Things happen, good and bad. People happen, good and bad. But at some point you have to forgive and forget and then move forward with your life. Because it is YOUR life! No one else's.
Do what makes you happy and smiling for the day. Do what you got to do and the rest will work out in the end. Once you find your passion, your happiness and your drive, everything else will fall into place.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

March 12th, 2015

Pushing myself through something that's so hard to do just cause it might be worth it in the end doesn't seem so good right now though.
Come December I'm going to look back on this and wonder "what the hell was I thinking", but for now all I can do is go through this couple months the best way I know how and see what comes of it in the end.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

March 8th, 2015

Even a good day has it's bad sides. But the point of heartache is to fight through it and come out stronger on the other end.
I can't see a point to all of this yet but I'm sure there's some weird backwards reason for it. So for now all I can do is go along with it and see what the future holds. I'm hoping it'll reveal some good news.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

March 3rd, 2015

There comes this great big relief with doing what you want to and not holding yourself back for the 'iny bity' tiny stupid reasons you made up in your head. It's great to feel like you have a hold on your life. Like you're in the driver sit and you're making all of the decisions. It takes real big guts to do that but what has been proven to me time and time again is that, it's all worth it in the end.
Basically, I need to do what I want and stop judging myself though other peoples eyes.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

February 27th, 2015

Tonight I'm having the best night I have been in months!

Pancakes, a load of sweets, alcohol mixed in with a bath in an empty house all to myself. Have a very busy weekend ahead of me so gonna enjoy every second of this. 

It's true what they say, it does get better, but you have to make it get better or at least start believing in yourself. I'm sure I'll listen to myself soon and start doing that.

I don't like living on my own but I love nights like this where I can just let loose. 

I think my life goal from now on will be to find a person that is not going to find it weird walking in on a person sitting down on a bathroom floor typing out a blog while talking a break from drinking in an amazing bath while watching the 87th annual Oscar awards.

I'll talk to you soon.

-K 

February 12th, 2015

It's hard to be okay on your own. It's a thing I'm trying to get used to but it hasn't been going too well so far. Seeing as it's 'fat Thursday' today I let myself eat way too much sweet things. That's always a good way of making myself feel better. Maybe not too good in the long run but I can always loose those calories later.
It's a strange thing to get used to. Always having someone around and now, no one.
Though I'm hopeful of what I'm capable of and what I can make for myself.

I'll talk to you soon
-K

February 4th, 2015

There is just no damn words to describe this. The closes I can get is:

"I've been trying to find some kind of balance. Right thing for my family, club. And every time I think maybe I'm heading in the right direction I end up in a place I never even knew could feel this bad."

Just like damn dominos. One thing falls after another. 

I'll talk to you soon.

January 25th, 2015

If there's one universal law beyond relativity and sting theory and m-theory.
It's this: things can always get worse. So death comes as a reminder. It grabs us and shakes us, opens our eyes. And our focus is changed, shifted, improvised.
I'm gonna tell you this one from my point of view so you can put yourself in there.
So the story goes: the guy falls in love with a girl, the second he meets her. But it takes him a lifetime to finally get together with her. When they do they end up on a boat and they realise the only way they can stay together is to never go ashore. So they raise the yellow contagion flag so no port will take them and they drift out to sea till the end.
And it makes you realise, there are people in your life so important that they dwarf everything else. And it's up to you to realise who they are. If you had to give up everything else and spend the rest of your days on a boat. Who are the must haves? Ones you can't live without.
Figure out your own list and then do everything you can to let them know how much they mean to you and I hope it's not too late for me. Even with my boat pretty full there is still something missing. Time to write my own ending.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

January 22nd, 2015

How am I supposed to just go on like it's just another normal day when I know it's not. I've been trying everything but nothing seems to work. I don't think I've ever felt this sick and hopeless. For me this gives a whole new meaning to heartbreak. Never knew it could physically hurt this much. I want to be over it and I keep on telling myself that but I'm just waiting until I'm going to start believing my own lies too.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K

January 21st, 2015

It's hard to find a purpose in life.
Especially now. Knowing that this time last year I was so happy.
I was so lost and confused but I was happy. I knew it was going to be hard to fix things that were wrong in my life but I was happy, so I didn't mind.
But now, all I have is roof over my head and food to eat. A complete waste of time. Just keeping myself here.
I'll talk to you later.
-K

January 19th, 2015

Can't wait until all of this pain is gonna be gone again. It comes and goes but when it's here it gets to a point of unreasonableness. It was fun while it lasted but I'm really considering was it worth anything...
I'm back to the exact same place where I left this time last year. The difference is that this time there is no escape, there is only crawling through the dirt.

January 15th, 2015

So I finally did it. It took a while but at least it wasn't rushed.
I took my time, made sure I was ready, found the courage and said a proper goodbye.
It's never easy to get over a relationship and I don't think you can get over it completely, but there is always a chance to move on with your life. You find a good timing, you motivate yourself and you go and conquer your fear of potentially loosing that person forever.
Just remember, he was the one that broke it off. He is the one that is loosing here. You are just gaining opportunity to grow and explore the world with a new appreciation for life and the things around you.

• Realize that everyone is afraid of something. I am the only person in my household who is not deathly afraid of spiders. ...
• You don't have to overcome your fear all at once. ...
• Approach your fears as opportunities for growth. ...
• Be careful how you talk to yourself about what you fear.

Understanding him is the key to understanding what you should do. Kind of experiencing quarter life crisis. He's looking at his life and saying ''I'm still very young and the idea of being in this relationship for the rest of my life seems like an awful long time as it does for anyone'' and that's somethings that's going to be freaking him out a little right now. If he's on his career path and these a slot going on there, right now and he has big goals there,he's probably imagining a lot of these experiences in life that he still wants to do. One of the hard things, they very often experience this desire to do all of these things to travel and to visit different part of the world and to live in these different places and to feel experiences in life. Which they don't always feel like they can do with a partner or if they are going to do it on their own they will miss their partner too much so why put themselves through the pain. Why not meet a partner later in life, after they've done all of those things. So he has that dilemma.

 This guy in unbelievably confused and thorn because he cares about you. He has spent a year and a half of his life with you which is long enough to get very very connected and very very entwined and in love and not to mention comfortable with that life. And giving that up is one of the scariest things people ever have to do.

 It's terrifying and horrible to be the one on the receiving end of a break up but it's also terrifying and horrible to be the person breaking up with somebody else. Because you have it on your head as to whether in a month you're going to regret the decision whether you're going to look back and think ''why did I do that. I've know let her go and who knows maybe she's someone else's by the time I realise that I really want her and that was a terrible decision.'' 

The hard part is that he can't realise it's the wrong decision by staying. If he stays and keeps going he'll always be wondering what the other thing was. And so he knows right now that he probably has to go and experience that other thing even if just to prove he was wrong. 

"I've been having an amazing time with you. I've been enjoying this relationship but I'm still terrified of what else is out there and of what I should be doing with my life. And whether or not this is the right thing for me to be doing at this stage of my life.'' And it's a testament to your relationship that he found it so difficult to do this, because it means he cares, it means there is love in the relationship and it means that he's also terrified of what he's loosing. It's fear of ''am I making the wrong choice''. In he's head it's all a mess right now.

The only way he's going to realise is by experiencing whatever it is he thinks he's missing or at least perusing it and trying it and seeing if that really works for him or whether in actual fact your relationship was the thing that he wanted. 

The right person can come at the wrong time. 

He might not believe he's supposed to be in a relationship right now at this stage of his life and it's a very difficult battle for you to fight but it's not your battle to fight. It's not your job to convince him that  it is the right time. 

It's you job to say to him ''okay, you know what. I love you, if you can't be happy in this relationship then you need to go and do what you think you need to do in order to be happy. And for your sake I hope you're right. I hope that whatever you're going for instead does make you happier because I wouldn't want you to go through the regret of this being the wrong decision. So go do your thing. And I know it is the hardest thing in the world to do. I know it is.'' 

It's something that is important for you to do and that lack of contact right now is very very important for you because right now you have that processes of first grieving. You will get over that, it will get less painful. And after that as soon as you're ready and as you can you go through the rebuilding period which is building a life that you're excited about. That can take you down new avenues and allow you to meet new people, experiencing new people, having new friends and great people around you and people that teach you how big the world is and how many different experiences there are to be had because there are just so many it's frightening.

You have to look at those moves critically and objectively and say ''is he really coming from a loving place, is he coming from a place of trying to re-build something here or is this really just him trying to feel connected.''

 

And him contacting me and reaching out is going to create constant pain for you right now. So understand he is not going to vanish off of the earth tomorrow. You don't have to respond to every message. You don't have to say the first time he texts you or calls you ''oh this is my chance''... take it slow, relax. 

Because if there's anything ever that is going to help him come around is feeling like you're going out to live your life as well. 

By going out and building this great existence and experiencing everything life has to offer and not waiting around for something that you could never guarantee and would be a foul to just sit there and wait for.

That pain is really really tough and I'm not in any way trying to make it sound easy cause it's not. It's one of the hardest things we ever go through. And it's so hard that for some people it turns them off relationships. It makes them turn away from them for good. But that's always the price we pay for how great it is and for how exciting it can be. 

And at the end of the day as special as this guy was, the world is a very big place and if nothing else he's given you the gift of showing you how much fun you can have, how happy you can be and how rich and meaningful life can be if you go out and create connections and there's billion of other people for you to go and do that with now. It is a positive learning experience and I know you will be okay. 

January 12th, 2015

This sucks... Three months later and it's still hard to not think about it every day. The daily reminders are the worst. Can't go to certain places, can't listen nor watch certain things. It made some of my favorite things become the ones I avoid the most, because they were once your favorite too. I'm lucky in a way that I moved away, cause I can't even imagine dealing with it while still living in the same place where we once fell in love. I feel bad for you a little, because you have to stay in a place I helped you to move into and that's not the only one.
It would be so much easier if there was a clear line drawn in the sand so I'd know where we stand. But you choose to not do that and continuously mess with my mind. It's a very selfish thing to do and you do not have my best interest at heart. You can't have it both ways.
I know I put on a smile when we were talking but trust me that was just to make you feel better. I was in such denial about what has happened that I didn't react for about a month. No tear, no laughter, no emotion what so ever, I felt dead. It took me another 2 weeks to even get out of the house.
But when it finally hit me I competently lost it.
Lost my sanity, lost all purpose, lost all my passions. I guess my main drive in life was you... and the plans I had for us.
I'll talk to you soon
-K

January 11th, 2015

Lesson learned number six: don't trust anybody that says I'll be there for you. There is a limit to everything... cause at the end of the day, it's just you alone with your thoughts in bed at night.
You ARE enough! You ARE the best company! You ARE fun, exciting, a great conversationalist and an amazing companion. Use this to your advantage when hanging out at home alone or out in the world meeting new and interesting people.
I'll talk to you soon
-K

January 4th, 2015

Lesson learned in 2015 number one:
If a person doesn't give a seconds thought to be nice and considerate towards you, do not waste any of your time on them. If they deserve it they're good enough for it, but if not, screw that s***.
Lesson learned number two:
If yesterday was a bad day, brush it off and make today better. Even with the tiniest of changes, cause in the end you'll end up with a pretty good day.
Lesson learned number three:
Do not care about other peoples thoughts on you. They can judge you all they want, they don't know you so why should you care about their thoughts...? You're good enough being yourself.
Lesson learned in 2014: "He walked out of my life quite unexpectedly. And it was just like he died and left me completely on my own. I guess you could say I lost my sparkle, best friend, my beady bear all in one day. 2013 thought me that even the most special people in your life can turn on you and it's just taken me so long to recover from that... And now I stand on my own two feet. So, yay." - Beckie0
Lesson learned number four:
Don't trust anybody that says I'll be there for you. There is a limit to everything... cause at the end of the day, it's just you alone with your thoughts in bed at night.
I'll talk to you soon
-K

January 1st, 2015

The first day done and now onto the second.
I guess in life you never stop learning... but why is it that all of the lessons to learn are either hard to go through or extremely painful.
I'm just hoping that at the end of this I can come out a strong person and not just a broken girl.
I'll talk to you soon.
-K